dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
