awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
