I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
