The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
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