I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Randomize
