He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize