Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
