you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
jump out the window naked night went bad
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