I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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