I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
