If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
