i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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