I'm really into asian looking animals
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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