remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
