It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
