glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
