It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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