Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
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