Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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