you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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