i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
