be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
