they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
