my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Randomize
