Regardless of the degree, it's probably not good to relate so closely to the Steve-O documentary.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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