her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
