I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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