Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
