my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
