I wish my penis had an off switch
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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