Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Randomize
