god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
