If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
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