Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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