flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
