I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
