Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
