I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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