Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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