dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
