So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
