I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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