all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Randomize
