Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Randomize
