my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
