Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
