My liver just broke up with me...
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
