I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
