Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
You made out with two different species that night
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
