Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
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