Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
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i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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