he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
