i think my mom watched the whole time
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
