All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
