biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
