Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
